Questions for myself - Who will I be?

I have questions for myself.
I am at a place where I can ask questions.
Who am I becoming?
Who will I be when I don't have pain in my body.
Who will I be?
I am afraid that if I don't have the pain I will forget him.  I want his name to be remembered.
I want to remember how much joy he and his brother brought me.
I want to remember how much I loved being his mother.
I don't want to forget.
And so I ask myself the question and wait for the answer.
This is really on my mind as I take steps to open myself up to the world.
I open myself up to talk about my life, to say to the world this is what happened to me and I got broken down....and I work everyday to pick myself up.
My relationship with myself, my relationship with God are the areas that I am really taking a deep dive.  I am able to peel back a layer that I couldn't look at before for fear of never coming out of it.
My relationship with my son in his life eternal is one that I am also looking into on a deeper level.
So the question is "Who will I be when I don't have pain in my body?"