Reflection and Regret

Reflection and regret

It is hard to not think back and wonder if there was something you missed, something that you could of done better when your child has taken their life.  And you can't go back.
It is important to really try not to second guess oneself.
I am working on that.
Do I have regrets of things that I wish I had said? Yes, would it of changed anything?  I don't know.
Would I have more peace?  I don't know.
It is hard to have peace in a situation like this.
If there had been a pattern of some sort to chart or mark.
I remember once he said he was lonely, in high school.  I said when you get to college that's where you will make your life long friends.  It was hard to be at a wealthy private school and be the scholarship kid.  That didn't feel comfortable inviting anyone to the three bedroom apartment we lived in that was filled with cockroaches.  I get it, I didn't invite anyone over.  They were always trying to evict us at a certain point, so there was a lot of discomfort.  And his dad didn't make it easier or better for us.
So I have been told to have no regrets.  And yet in order for me to get on the other side of the pain I am carrying in my body, I have to face things.  So I can set myself free.
I did my best.  I loved beyond the moon and stars.
Was this the story that was written for us?  Cause this is how it has played out.
Looking for meaning, finding my way.