Recap - of some of the year -Still learning

This year has been filled with so much challenge for me.
A new teaching team, new children, and a trigger year.
This was Bartholemew's fifth college reunion.  And that brings up so many triggers for me.
His beautiful friends asked me if I was okay with adding him to the reunion book, and of course I said yes.  And then when it arrived, it was in the morning when I found the package.
I stood in the driveway and cried, I just burst in to tears.  I didn't know what to do, where to go.
It happened that at work we had a professional development specialist and I really needed to be there.
I felt so numb.  I called my director and co teachers to share where I was in that moment.  It hurt.
It hurt.  It hurt.
But I carried on, and was present for my team.  We got ripped to shreds for "an unreadable classroom environment", and I had to carry on.
I think some people really are unconscious when it comes to how to be with people who are processing a traumatic grief experience.
And after the first year, just think you are okay.  You AIN"T.  I was not.  I was slowly, peeling back layers of the experience.
Still dealing with probate for his estate.  Still dealing with my feelings.  Still missing my baby.
Still taking baby steps of reflecting on how the hell I got here.
Still processing my feelings about being angry.  Still just trying to be present and a good enough teacher to the beautiful little humans who had no idea that I had lost my sunshine.
Still numbing myself with bad food choices...
Still learning how to be in the world.....